ResidueTheory

Zaddy I want a pony

[ drugs, vomit ]

my brother and I did elle ess dee yesterday. It started really nicely, I was laughing a lot, and music was extra-moving, the usual. At one point my brother told me a story about his aloe plant and his basil plant and I think one really liked the other but they were drifting apart or something but I cried (I mainly noticed that I was crying because I wiped at my eyes and they were wet), and I cried again when we listened to Hide And Seek, which like duh, that song can always make me cry at the right times.

Anyway later we went outside. At this point I was kind of saying the same things over and over, which is I guess a feature of the drug? “I’m a squiggle” “You made me cry about a plant” “You’re supposed to be helping me through this but you’re on drugs too” were probably the biggest ones. The last two were funny to me, I think, and the first one I would say so that my brother would respond “I am a horse”, which is totally bizarre, but meant “you’re okay, I’m okay, we’re all right” to me.

I guess I was nervous or scared about something? Being outside? (We were only in my brother’s friend’s backyard wandering around the lawn and lying in the grass) Just being overwhelmed by sensation? Anyway at some point after we came back in I threw up, which was (in retrospect) REALLY scary. My brother’s friends who’d done this before came over and must have ascertained that we were all right, but since I didn’t know what to expect and hadn’t been told that this was fine I was really worried that something was wrong with me. At this point things would sort of flow and be strange for a bit and then resolve into like reality for a moment. I kept trying to follow one of these in hopes that I would resolve out of having thrown up.

Throwing up with like heightened/altered sensation is intense; I don’t recommend.

After that I was basically fine, but spent the rest of the night feeling kind of blurry—feelings of touch would persist a while after I shifted. My stomach also felt weird, which was probably a combination of “you threw up” and hunger, but it was quite difficult to eat until late.

Anyway now I’m back to normal and sort of feeling the fear I couldn’t process yesterday.